Where is a Xanax when you need one?

The dreaded day is here.  I have been worrying about this day for almost a year now and I am just ready to be past it.  Can it be summer already so we can be all healed and just play?

  We have to get past this little hurdle first, the hurdle of open heart surgery.  I write this as I sit waiting for a play by play from the nurses and Drs that literally have my sons heart in their hands.  We are 3 hours into the surgery and my stomach is still in knots.  I feel like a 20lb weight is anchored to my chest and it is making it hard to breathe let alone try to be calm.  

   It has been a long day, and it is not even close to being half over.  The day began at 3 am when I needed to feed Jefferson so he was not so dehydrated for the surgery, so they could get his IV in.  I got his belly full and he decided it was time to wake up, and I couldn't go back to sleep I was already a nervous wreck.  So I did some laundry, let the dog out, finished packing, then decided to get ready for the day.  Jefferson finally decided to go back to sleep as we drove to the hospital.  We had to be there by 6am and surgery was scheduled to start at 7:30.  Everything went great, meeting with all of the Drs and nurses.  We have Dr Hannon for the anesthesiologist and Dr Eckhauser for our surgeon,  I was a big mess when they came to talk to us so it is all a big blur.  They told us everything that was going to happen and then all of the risks.  I'm just glad Drew was there to actually listen to them.  I was shaking like a leaf and crying when Dr Hannon started talking about the anesthesia that goes into his neck. That is how my great aunt died, from a bubble in the line causing a stroke and she was pretty much brain dead while they did the surgery.  That scares the crap out of me. 

   We were all done talking and then it was time to walk down the dreaded hall and give my baby off to Dr Hannon.  Man was that is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life.  Although, the next kid that walked down the dreaded hall way was screaming for his mommy the whole way, I think that would have been much harder if Jefferson was calling for me.  Jefferson was being his normal happy/whine I'm hungry cry so it made it a little bit easier.  He doesn't cry very often so it breaks my heart into a million pieces when he does cry.

   We got to the end of the hall and I kissed my sweet boy all over and handed him off to the anestethiologist.  It was extremely hard! Now we just had to wait for the first phone call.  

  The surgical waiting room is a joke! I was a mess emotionally and they expected me to sit in a room crowded with people talking and laughing. Yah right!  The lady at the desk was nice enough to let us sit down at the end if the hall away from the chaos.  I had total anxiety being in that room full of people.  Thank goodness the office ladies were super nice! Now we wait..