Well over a month ago, we had our appointment to have an Echocardiogram done on baby Jefferson. Andrew had to work so Stella and I went to the Cardiologist to have a Fetal Echo (basically an ultrasound on his heart) done. Since I thought it was just a simple hole in his heart I was not worried. Stella was born with a heart murmur and it went away on its own. So I was not worried at all, I just thought of it as another ultrasound.
Stella did great, she was so quiet and calm the entire ultrasound and sat there and watched her movie. The Echo was over an hour long and they made sure to get plenty of pictures of his heart. Next the Cardiologist, Dr Pinto, took us into a conference room (the initial room we were suppose to go in was occupied) and she carried a binder with her. I got a little worried. Usually most Dr just talk to you in the ultrasound room or in a exam room, but a conference room, that really got my heart going. So we sat down and I got the movies going again for Stella to occupy her as Dr Pinto started to tell me what was going on with his heart.
Now let me throw in this little disclaimer, I admit it, and Andrew even has pointed it out. But I have some sort of ADD when it comes to trying to listen intently. So as for the appointment and the initial shock, I do not remember everything that she told me.
Doctor Pinto began by showing me pictures of a healthy heart and then what is wrong with his heart. She called it AVSD, Atrioventricular Septal Defect.
Just hearing the words that my little baby will have to undergo Open Heart Surgery at such a young age was such a shock. I would have never imagined something like this happening to my unborn child. From then on what she said kind of went in one ear and out the other as I was trying to control myself from having a complete melt down.
She asked us to come back in 6 weeks to do another scan of his heart and to make sure that Andrew was there so that he could know exactly what was going on.
Dr Pinto was so nice at trying to console me and tell me everything was going to be ok. She gave Stella a little purple Hippo TY beanie baby to take home and a folder with information about his heart defect and I quickly booked it to the car because I felt a melt down coming.
I got Stella and myself in the car and quickly closed the doors. I sobbed. I have never cried that hard in my entire life. It felt like my whole world was collapsing in on me. How could my sweet innocent baby have to go through an invasive surgery at such a young age. There was nothing I could do to help him. Nothing that I could do to fix the problem or to take the eminent pain away. The damage was done. The only thing that helped calm me down was hearing Stella's sweet voice "Mommy please dont cry." She kept saying that over and over until I finally got out of the car and went into the back seat and just held her. She is such an amazing little girl and her not wanting me to be sad melted my heart into a million pieces.
It was a really rough day. It was unbelievably hard to take in those words, Open Heart Surgery by myself. But some how I made it through the day. I had promised Stella that I would take her to the Zoo after the appointment, so I sucked it up and we spent a few hours at the Zoo. We got home from the Zoo and Stella went right down for a nap. I sat in my rocking chair with a box of tissues and just cried. It literally wasn't until Stella woke up when I slowly calmed myself down. Stella again said to me "Mommy, please dont cry," and came and climbed into the chair with me and gave me a big hug. It was going to take several days for these crying fits to ease up, I knew that. Even just the thought of him, or an ultrasound picture just made me start crying.
I just had to try telling myself that everything was going to be ok.
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